He laughs softly, despite himself, at that little promise. Knowing Gamma, he'd literally do it too. A ridiculous man.
He falls silent again, listening to his friend speak. He appears to be looking at patterns on the floor but he's honestly lost in visions. There's no part he can deny. Except one thing, and only because the truth of another.
He lifts his gaze and looks to Gamma straight on. With everything in him but hesitation, he says plainly. "I'm terrified." He shakes his head. "I'm so, so scared. For all those reasons, and some of them I can't even talk about. But I'm not just scared for myself, and it's not a lack of trust, it's..." He falters. There were things Gamma understood, reasons he called the man Primo. But even as he slipped close, there were things he didn't grasp. Not yet.
He says, "I'm dead, Gamma. At twenty three. Not because of some terrible monster or a calamity or whatever. It just happened. Death just happens. You come close but until that moment you can't grasp how very little anything is in anyone's control. It throws it all out of balance and there's no coming back from that even if there are no monsters. You watch everyone and you wait and you hold your breath and you hope to god everyone gets enough time in. Now there's real, actual danger, and I can't save you all. You're going to get hurt. Doesn't matter how careful or skilled you are, doesn't matter if I can pick up that bow. If something's going to happen, it'll just happen. Same with those monsters like you say. I know taking the blame is just a way to feel in control, but at the same time, I can't turn a blind eye to it anymore. I've got to give you all time. It's not that I don't believe you all won't try with everything you've got. It's that it will never be enough. I don't want any of you to feel the way I felt. I don't want you to miss your chances, whatever they are."
no subject
He falls silent again, listening to his friend speak. He appears to be looking at patterns on the floor but he's honestly lost in visions. There's no part he can deny. Except one thing, and only because the truth of another.
He lifts his gaze and looks to Gamma straight on. With everything in him but hesitation, he says plainly. "I'm terrified." He shakes his head. "I'm so, so scared. For all those reasons, and some of them I can't even talk about. But I'm not just scared for myself, and it's not a lack of trust, it's..." He falters. There were things Gamma understood, reasons he called the man Primo. But even as he slipped close, there were things he didn't grasp. Not yet.
He says, "I'm dead, Gamma. At twenty three. Not because of some terrible monster or a calamity or whatever. It just happened. Death just happens. You come close but until that moment you can't grasp how very little anything is in anyone's control. It throws it all out of balance and there's no coming back from that even if there are no monsters. You watch everyone and you wait and you hold your breath and you hope to god everyone gets enough time in. Now there's real, actual danger, and I can't save you all. You're going to get hurt. Doesn't matter how careful or skilled you are, doesn't matter if I can pick up that bow. If something's going to happen, it'll just happen. Same with those monsters like you say. I know taking the blame is just a way to feel in control, but at the same time, I can't turn a blind eye to it anymore. I've got to give you all time. It's not that I don't believe you all won't try with everything you've got. It's that it will never be enough. I don't want any of you to feel the way I felt. I don't want you to miss your chances, whatever they are."